words can hurt

Hello people :)

I´m not feling really good because of writeing this today because I already wrote similar things on my blog and it was very hard (http://itsmylifehelga.blogger.ba/) I wrote only recent things that happend on my blog. Here I´ll write much more.

So I´ve been through a lot if you haven´t noticed yet. And I can say you nothing hurts more than words. I could get in a verbal fight and I won´t be broken actually I will probably get out without scars because I am pretty good in fights. I know you will now say that is imposible,she is a girl and I bet she fights only like pulling hair to other girs and smack other girls face but I only can say you that is not true and even some boys are affraid of me. You don´t need to trust me, I just wanted to show how verbal fight don´t hurt like words. Now I will try to explain you how words can make you very very broken at least they did a horrible things to me. I never really fit anywhere and I have one best friend in 1st grade but it didn´t last long her to find another friend whit who was best friend too. And then she became my best friend too. But they had secrets actualy I meant they have secrets and I didn´t really care about that to much because I had never been interested in others people life. Then one day I heard them talking and hear unexpected thing they´ve been saying ugly things about me. I was really disapointed and sad but I didn´t say anything to them. I found some friends too. But I´ve never said some secrets to anyone then because I didn´t trust people after my two best friends disapointed me. But it was just like a kids fight. But still it was pretty much hurting. But I had never ever tought about all things that will happen later. In 5th grade from my 2 best friends one stayed in my class another didn´t and the truth is that one which stayed had always been my best friend even if she gossip me around. But now when we were new class, new girls comes in our class to and we soon get friended with 2 girls and we were really inseparable but I was  still that one who didn´t feet in and from who they keeped theirs important secrets. I was really hurted when I found out about that because they all were really my best best friends and I had always been telling them everything and they keeped so much from me. I was even more hurted when I found out that some other girls know too things I don´t and okay I was hurted but I could get over that. But I would never get over thing that best friends were spreading false gossips about me, that they were gossip about things I don´t really want to remember. When I heard them saying that  I ran out, I went on the toilet, closed the door and cried all pause. When I get back they asked me where have I been and I just answered on toilet I´m not feeling good. Then at least they cared what is with me one hour and then started again. I made some more good relationships with girls in class and all girls did love me some kind. But all of them had something to say and always made things worse. Boys before were horrible I don´t even want to talk about that. All boys in primary school hated me with no particular reason and I was good with only one and I was a little bit in loved with him and then girls started to tease. Then finally I thought I found true friend. She was a little bit younger than me and she was from Zagreb which is one hour with a car but I soon disappoint. She made me cry tree days, I was devastated. And then I thought how I could never find a real true friend because I´m different and obviously I´m not meant to find it. Then I found him actually he found me. I wasn´t really in love with him but I was thinking oh why not, and exactly that why not has turned to be love of my life and the best thing that has ever happend to me and made me stronger but still not enough strong because when we broke up I was really pretty much broken. But let´s leave that. The worst thing that my friend has ever done to me was that we broke up because of them. I wanted to scream then, I wanted that they don´t exist that only he and I exist and that´s all. I went on toilet again and cried and I couldn´t get to the clasroom how much I´ve cried that day. Even the teacher saw that something bad had happend and that I´m not okay. If I just still have had him things would be so much easier. I just thought primary school, primary school just just be over. I bet it would be great in secondary. You know what I was very very wrong. I was really happy when I get to secondary school. I really liked my class. We were all that good everyone with everyone if you get what I mean. And then certain time pass. Everyone has found some friend to be with. And I thought I had too. But I was absolutely wrong. I still can´t believe how I could be so blind and saw all people in my class hates me. It all started from girl with who I was sitting with and were ˝good friend˝. She started to spread gossips how I´m smelly, my thoots are yellow and I don´t wash them, how I have bad hair and been very clumsy. First all started of course on ask.fm because that was very popular then. And I already know who that is because from hanging with that girl I´ve realized that she is really bad and she would do anything just how she would fit in somewhere. And it wasn´t really that horrible at first because I thought I had more friends in that class then she do but it turns to be opposite. I´ve realised that when we went to Italia. I was really happy because of that trip because I really liked Italia but I could tell you it was the worst trip ever. I heard so many things. Girls were hiding from me how they would not have to hang out with me. I was devastated when I realised that and the last day started to hang out with other girls which were really nice to me and I really like those girls. But the worst thing was that I had to sit around this 4 girls who hates me until the end of the year. Then on one history class they started to talk about me in codes and they were thinking how I would never realise their speech. But I did from the very first word. And it was even harder listen to them insulting you while you are sitting next to them and pretending not to know anything. When I get out of class I grab my phones and my phone and just say inside me God please let the school year be over I can´t do this anymore. I´ve decided that in second grade I won´t need anybody and I will be all alone because I can´t suffer anymore from insultings. And then in second grade at first was even worser almost all people from my class didn´t want to be close to me. I was for them freak who walk and talk. I was really broken and first 4 or 5 months I´ve been on my own don´t speaking to anyone just listening to music and texting. Thanks God because of plng and some my old primary school friends I would die without them. Now everything goes better but my grades fell down seriously and now I can´t catch with anything. Oh yes and I almost forgot I had 2 friends in my class always and I was judged for that too. You are sure wondering why would I be judge because of my friends. Well they were boys and lots of people spread stories about them too. But they didn´t ever. They´ve always been good and I´m a little bit sorry because on second grade I forgot on them too. I was totally out of my class word and just wanted to be on bus where my old friends are and where atmosphere is always good. Now I finally found good people in my class. One best friend who were different too and who girls always gossip because she look like a boy. But she never really care about that and she is really good person. And I´m still the best with this two boys who says we hate almost everyone in this class thats why one of them teased all how he said and I just said they´ve all deserved some even more than you could ever say to them to piss them off. I am happy now because I have friend but I´m still shakeing when I have to be in my class with all this people who hates me. And I really can´t wait to finish this class to go on holidays, be at home, take my bike and ride across the village. And in second grade happend another horrible thing I thought that I finally find real friend during last summer holidays and I was shareing everything with her, every single detail and I tought she is doing the same with me because she always had a similar stories like mine. But I found out that half of what she were saying was only lies. It was really harsh to me especially after all that happend in the school find out about this lies too. And I was really angry and upset because of that and I still am I would never forgive her that. I really don´t see reason why I would and more than 4 months passed and she didn´t even try to explain to me nothing.

All girls who are judgeing me because I´m to sensitive I hope that they´ll see why is that and every word can hurt if it´s insult. Because in every insult there lies truth. And I can only say you this I am who I am and I will never change for anyone and no one will. You just need to learn to accept people for who they are.

Thank you for reading this. I really appreciate it.

~Herkules