I always thought love is such a beautiful thing and everything that goes with it. You fall in love,have butterflies and all day long you think about nothing but HIM. Well,so I thought until school started last year.
I'm a freshman in high school and that's where I met him. I used to see him in music school before but we didn't talk. Now we go to the same class. As I will talk to you guys I will call him only V. V. plays guitar and I don't even have to say how gorgeous he is. And he is such a good friend too. The first day of school we became sooo good friends, almost like best friends, altough I already consider him as my only male best friend (yes we are still friends). So, how talking with a boy like that and watching him every day couldn't make you fall in love with him? I was so happy when I realised I fell in love with him because he was so nice to me. The very first boy who was nice to me because before high school, boys would only judge me and laugh at me,but when I'm with V. I feel happy and safe. I was thinking every day 'Oh my God I'm gonna see him today,I have to look fabulous!' And so it was, we talked, we laughed,we were having so much fun together,but nothing was happening. Nothing more. It kinsa irritated me but I thought like oh I have time,he WILL eventually fall in love with me, he HAS to. Yeah...maybe not? Days were passing and I was so desperate,I wanted to have my first boyfriend and I wanted V. to be that. I even took a sight on my 'bitchy' side so I was trying to flert him up. Every day we would send kisses and hearts to each other to facebook, but still nothing.I'm still to this day in love with him,I am. A few weeks ago I found out that he was in love with my friend. I was stressed after that but I thought 'whatever,he's not in love with her anymore'. But there was more. That "friend" of mine found out I'm in love with V. so every time he would be with me, she came up to him and started FLERTING HIM UP!! IN FRONT OF ME! She wanted to make me jealous for sure,I never asked her why she does that. A week ago,I was preparing myself to tell V. the truth, to tell him I'm in love with him. I was nervous,sad and happy at the same time. I came to school and V. was chatting with her. You know why? He thinks she wants a relationship with him when in reality, she doesn't give a fuck about him,she only plays with him as she is playing with my feelings. But the worst thing is that V. believes her and by that he ignores me. When I realised that I completely broke. I had my very first breakdown. I fell in such a deep depression that I literally wanted to die. V. broke me,he broke my whole damn heart. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't feel happines, I didn't feel sadness, only lots and lots of pain and emptiness inside me. When I'd think of him,when he'd pop up in my mind,I would just start crying and there was no stopping. AND no one to help. No one understood me, no one felt my pain and my worries (except Hel and Pezz,she pretty much went through the same thing as I did/still am). I was laying on my bed the whole day,only thinking why do I exist, why did God bring me here if I have to suffer. And then night came and I couldn't fall asleep if I didn't cry myself out. My pillow was wet every night. When I came to school and saw him,I wanted to shout and cry and run home,but when he looked at me thinking everything is alright,I felt like I'm gonna pass out.i couldn't do that anymore and thank God spring break came. I wasn't doing anything better, still at my lowest point, at my deepest. Now I haven't seen him for a longer time and I feel weird. I don't know can I stand seeing him with other girls flerting or not,but I know one thing for sure. I will NEVER ever ever stop loving him,even if I wanted to I couldn't because he took a place too deep in my heart (which he actually broke). I'm easily getting out of all this shit and feeling better, but who knows what will
happen next?
till next Saturday. kisses,Lana
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